Name: Tom Moncrieff
Nicknames: Taam, Tony, Cabbage
Tom is a pacey fullback who bombs up and down the left flank till the cows come home. He has still not learned how to take a throw in despite taking about 10 a game, every game since he was about 14. He is known to turn up to games already in his full kit, shin-pads and boots. That's if he even turns up.
Tom once memorably ran the full length of Fraser park celebrating with his arms out after making it 14-0 with a cross that somehow found it's way into the net, in the cup final in the under 14s. One of his proudest moments in football.
He is a chirpy little character who often makes his teammates laugh. Once in secondary 1 he took digestives to school to eat at breaktime. However, being the maverick that he is, he just stuffed them in his pockets before he came to school so when he came to eat them at breaktime he just had a pocket full of crumbs!
In his spare time he likes to partake in activities such as bowling. During his brief but eventful stint in Edinburgh pursuing his dream of becoming a primary teacher, he went bowling with some friends and when he left he forgot to change back into his normal shoes. He only realised he was still wearing bowling shoes as he was pulling up to his flat in a taxi.
Name: Jordan Simpson
Nicknames: Jordi, Jordi Alba, Cobby, Cobbles
Position: Jack of all trades, master of none
Jordan is a supreme athlete who is extremely into fitness and nutrition. He is a vegan and is really into raw food recipes. "5 a day keeps the doctor away" he always says. He is currently out of action following an ACL reconstruction he had in January and has been flat out in the gym doing his rehab. He never misses leg day and even has custom made football socks because his calves are so muscly.
Legend has it that the ancient sky box in his living room was actually there before his house was built and that the house was built around it. They then named the house "Ibrox" because it rhymes with "sky box".
Name: Jack Clubb
DOB: Clubby, Jake
Jack Clubb signed for the Hoops from town-rivals Thistle in 2013 for an undisclosed fee believed to be in the region of 12 Posers bands and a jug of Rampant Rab. Clubb has since settled in well and his versatility ensures he is one of the first players on the team sheet in the current campaign. The former Jag can play anywhere along the back-line and in centre midfield where his calm and composed style of play helps settle down the more excitable members of the squad (apart from his infamous first touch in the playoff final in 2015…) Record-breaking 7-times winner of Shetland’s Rear of the Year, Clubb works as a Parky and his Monday-morning lining is often questioned by players and referees alike after ongoing weekends on the lash.
Name: Connor Regan
Nicknames: Regsy, Bland, Conner, Conor, Konnor, Konner, Khonr, Khonnor, Cnr
Connor is one of the more quiet members of the Celtic squad who is seldom seen outside of football in recent times. He’s often construed as being quite boring and for those of you who know him you’ll have seen by now the change in hairline from the weight of Erin’s thumb. Connor recently took Erin on romantic holiday to Paris, but wasn’t overly impressed, describing their time there as being “okay”.
On a less serious note he’s a very gifted player who has shone in recent years and his goals from midfield has been very much key to recent success the club has had.