Name: Keane Haynes
Hailing from the Brum, Keane moved up to Shetland a couple of years ago and has already totted up a number of reserve and first team appearances in his short time on the Isles. After a brief excursion to the Village at the start of this season for reasons unknown, Keane has returned to cement his spot with the reserve team and will be an integral part of the team’s quest for league success. In his spare time, Keane often wonders where it all went wrong for his beloved Aston Villa.
Name: Jack Clubb
DOB: Clubby, Jake
Jack Clubb signed for the Hoops from town-rivals Thistle in 2013 for an undisclosed fee believed to be in the region of 12 Posers bands and a jug of Rampant Rab. Clubb has since settled in well and his versatility ensures he is one of the first players on the team sheet in the current campaign. The former Jag can play anywhere along the back-line and in centre midfield where his calm and composed style of play helps settle down the more excitable members of the squad (apart from his infamous first touch in the playoff final in 2015…) Record-breaking 7-times winner of Shetland’s Rear of the Year, Clubb works as a Parky and his Monday-morning lining is often questioned by players and referees alike after ongoing weekends on the lash.
Name: Tom Moncrieff
Nicknames: Taam, Tony, Cabbage
Tom is a pacey fullback who bombs up and down the left flank till the cows come home. He has still not learned how to take a throw in despite taking about 10 a game, every game since he was about 14. He is known to turn up to games already in his full kit, shin-pads and boots. That's if he even turns up.
Tom once memorably ran the full length of Fraser park celebrating with his arms out after making it 14-0 with a cross that somehow found it's way into the net, in the cup final in the under 14s. One of his proudest moments in football.
He is a chirpy little character who often makes his teammates laugh. Once in secondary 1 he took digestives to school to eat at breaktime. However, being the maverick that he is, he just stuffed them in his pockets before he came to school so when he came to eat them at breaktime he just had a pocket full of crumbs!
In his spare time he likes to partake in activities such as bowling. During his brief but eventful stint in Edinburgh pursuing his dream of becoming a primary teacher, he went bowling with some friends and when he left he forgot to change back into his normal shoes. He only realised he was still wearing bowling shoes as he was pulling up to his flat in a taxi.
Name: Jordan Simpson
Nicknames: Jordi, Jordi Alba, Cobby, Cobbles
Position: Jack of all trades, master of none
Jordan is a supreme athlete who is extremely into fitness and nutrition. He is a vegan and is really into raw food recipes. "5 a day keeps the doctor away" he always says. He is currently out of action following an ACL reconstruction he had in January and has been flat out in the gym doing his rehab. He never misses leg day and even has custom made football socks because his calves are so muscly.
Legend has it that the ancient sky box in his living room was actually there before his house was built and that the house was built around it. They then named the house "Ibrox" because it rhymes with "sky box".
Name: Connor Regan
Nicknames: Regsy, Bland, Conner, Conor, Konnor, Konner, Khonr, Khonnor, Cnr
Connor is one of the more quiet members of the Celtic squad who is seldom seen outside of football in recent times. He’s often construed as being quite boring and for those of you who know him you’ll have seen by now the change in hairline from the weight of Erin’s thumb. Connor recently took Erin on romantic holiday to Paris, but wasn’t overly impressed, describing their time there as being “okay”.
On a less serious note he’s a very gifted player who has shone in recent years and his goals from midfield has been very much key to recent success the club has had.
Name: Tamas Varga
Not much is known about the diminutive Hungarian Varga who is Lerwick Celtics first player hailing from the eastern bloc. He is a left footed midfield player who often uses intricate flank play to get out of tight positions on his favoured left side. He is robust and can also use his stocky frame as a means to intimidate opposition defenders. It is believed Varga is also a keen music fan away from football and specialises in the trumpet.
Name: Szymon Orlowski
Nicknames: Simon, C’mon
Szymon joined the hoops from arch-rivals Lerwick Thistle this season after it was rumoured he’d had enough of his Jags team-mates failing to pronounce his name correctly. The left-winger has settled into proceedings well and has been a prominent figure in the winter training programme, apart from the 5.30pm runs as he claims to conveniently finish work at 5.35pm. Founder of the “right foot is for standing on” phenomenon, his elusive playing style is not too dissimilar to his school-boy hero Mesut Ozil. It is believed his ability to terrorise 5-aside defences stems from his ritual of scoffing a box of cherries before playing football.
Name: Shane Odie
Professional dish-washer Shane Odie signed for the club last year and his “never say die attitude” has ensured he has become an immediate fans favourite. Odie was primarily used as a super-sub last year, coming off the bench on 9 occasions and notching 4 goals, but may well find himself more heavily involved in proceedings this campaign. Shane works in the newly established “Da Steakhoose” restaurant and absolutely loves Cadbury Crème Eggs. When he’s not busy revising “how to chase down long balls and lost causes”, Shane can be found busy chasing long balls and lost causes.
Name: Nick Longjamnong
Part one of the world-famous ‘Nick and Nice’ partnership, Nick has been at the club for a number of years and has left many a B team player on his backside in the mud. Hailing from Chaiyaphum in Thailand, the tricky winger now applies his trade in Glasgow where he has been frequently spotted break-dancing on the Kokomo dancefloor. Once he returns home for the summer, Nick will be looking to break into the first team squad and defend his title at Celtic’s annual dance-off competition at Baroc.
Name: Nice Longjamnong
Part two of the world-famous ‘Nick and Nice’ partnership, Nice has also been tying defenders in knots since signing the dotted line for the hoops and has slightly more first team experience than his brother Nick. Nice is also currently studying in the mighty Glesga but has expressed his desire to don the Celtic strip once again this summer as he misses the disgusted cries from the bald-headed stand at the Gilbertson Park. Rumours that his boundless energy is due to the fact he is secretly substituted for his twin-brother Nick at half time have been strongly dismissed by Celtic’s management.
Name: Mick Davies
Mick Davies has returned to the club this year and despite his advancing years is still a valuable asset at centre forward and is fiercely competitive on the park. During his latter years Davies has developed a battering ram style to his forward play which allied to his famed powerful shooting can unsettle even the most experienced of defenders. Freight and transport magnate Davies enjoys a colourful private life away from football, including being a perennial attendant of Serbia’s EXIT festival, and is a specialist in wines and reggae music. Davies is also sometimes referred to Mike as opposed to Mick on some social media sites.