Name: Keane Haynes
Nicknames: Keano DOB: 12/10/1995 Position: GK Hailing from the Brum, Keane moved up to Shetland a couple of years ago and has already totted up a number of reserve and first team appearances in his short time on the Isles. After a brief excursion to the Village at the start of this season for reasons unknown, Keane has returned to cement his spot with the reserve team and will be an integral part of the team’s quest for league success. In his spare time, Keane often wonders where it all went wrong for his beloved Aston Villa. |
Name: John Simpson
Nicknames: Cafu DOB: 29/12/1971 Position: CB/RB 2-times winner of Celtic’s A Team Player of the Year, John Simpson has been an absolute stalwart in the Celtic ranks since he signed the dotted line several years back. Originally employed in the central midfield engine room, a few loose bolts and rusty joints have steered him into the backline in recent years where he is just as effective. One of Simpson’s finest moments in a Celtic strip was in the 2013 season; Celtic faced Whitedale in a Manson Cup semi-final and with extra time impending, Simpson rolled back the years and galloped the length of the Strom pitch to set up the winner. Father of twin sons, John’s pitch time and social escapades have been reduced in recent years but is a regular attendee and often winner of Celtic’s annual golf day. |
Name: James Fox
Nicknames: Hamez, Foxy, Fox-in-the-Box, Foxation, Martiaaaaal DOB: 20/01/1997 Position: Reverse Cowgirl most of the time. Sorry Mam. Tenacious, volatile character with a shady background. Claims to have reached purple level in SRA at Primary School, claims which Sound Primary School have strenuously denied. Renowned for his high pitched screeching, woeful moustache and lovely, enthusiastic smile. Once went missing on the Linga ferry across to Whalsay. He was later found portside warming up with only his socks and shoes on. He is also one half of the beloved local RnB duo “The Foxy Grahams” with fellow Celtic player, Ally Graham – to date the only song they cover is Akon’s ‘Smack That’. |
Name: Ramsay Hogg
Nicknames: DOB: 25/08/1990 Position: RB/LB Fresh from his season-long sabbatical with Works League outfit Baroc Revolution, Ramsay Hogg returns to the hoops this year, eager to apply the experiences he has gained in the lower leagues. Labelled as “the John O’Shea of Celtic” a few seasons ago, Hogg can be employed in a number of positions and has proved he’ll get the job done wherever he is played. Ramsay’s Facebook likes include “The Shawshank Redemption”, “Just Manly Things” and “Going out for a quiet Butterbeer and waking up in Azkaban”. When he returns from Azkaban, Hogg specialises in finding the burn on the 5th and 6th holes at Dale Golf Club. |
Name: Peter Henderson
Nicknames: Hendo DOB: 30/03/1997 Position: RB/LB Brother of current player Glen, Peter Henderson is another of Celtic’s new faces this season after making the step up from the Rangers junior squad. The enterprising full-back has already featured heavily in the reserve squad’s league campaign and will be pushing for a permanent spot in team as the season progresses. In his spare time, Pete enjoys relaxing in his newly installed Jacuzzi hot-tub and watching Arsenal come close to winning trophies. |
Name: Ryan Wood
Nicknames: Brian, Woody DOB: 12/04/1994 Position: RM/CM Ryan Wood is an old fashioned flank player for Lerwick Celtic and is more comfortable on the right. His high centre of gravity and peculiar running style means he sometimes looks ungainly but few players display as much endeavour, resolve and fortitude as Wood. Wood has a powerful shot and good accuracy but rarely is able to combine the two. Wood is one of the most popular members of the club and younger members of the squad are intrigued by his his avant garde lifestyle. Ex fish processor Wood uses poetry as a means to relax and unwind in his spare time and loves watching musicals as he says they are easier to understand than normal films. |
Name: Tamas Varga
Nicknames: Tam DOB: 09/05/1997 Position: LM/LB Not much is known about the diminutive Hungarian Varga who is Lerwick Celtics first player hailing from the eastern bloc. He is a left footed midfield player who often uses intricate flank play to get out of tight positions on his favoured left side. He is robust and can also use his stocky frame as a means to intimidate opposition defenders. It is believed Varga is also a keen music fan away from football and specialises in the trumpet. |
Name: Szymon Orlowski
Nicknames: Simon, C’mon DOB: 09/09/1997 Position: LM Szymon joined the hoops from arch-rivals Lerwick Thistle this season after it was rumoured he’d had enough of his Jags team-mates failing to pronounce his name correctly. The left-winger has settled into proceedings well and has been a prominent figure in the winter training programme, apart from the 5.30pm runs as he claims to conveniently finish work at 5.35pm. Founder of the “right foot is for standing on” phenomenon, his elusive playing style is not too dissimilar to his school-boy hero Mesut Ozil. It is believed his ability to terrorise 5-aside defences stems from his ritual of scoffing a box of cherries before playing football. |
Name: Haydn Thomason
Nicknames: DOB: 08/03/1993 Position: CF Arguably the fastest player in Celtic’s long and illustrious history, Haydn Thomason has been an absolute nightmare for defences across the Isles since his debut in 2010. His slightly unorthodox playing style ensures a fine line between his shots flying into the top corner and finding row Z, with the flats behind Fraser Park taking a particular peppering in recent years. Thomason was top scorer for the hoops in the 2014 season, banging in 18 goals in just 19 appearances, however an ongoing ankle injury and several holidays to European mountains has significantly disrupted his last two campaigns. Fans of the boys in green will be hoping the target man will make a return in the not-too-distant future to run rings around centre-halves once again. |
Name: Peter Tomlinson
Nicknames: Pete DOB: 19/12/1998 Position: CF Peter is another of Celtic’s new faces this season and early indications show he’ll be an invaluable member of the Reserve team’s front-line. The pacey and tricky forward is small enough to run through the legs of defenders and has a cool head in front of goal. When he’s not home and busy tucking into JW Gray’s out-of-date stock pile, Peter travels the world in search of a Liverpool league title. In his spare time, Peter is a keen follower of WWE and other American physical-contact activity and is a supporter of some other green-and-white hooped team from down the road. |
Name: Mick Davies
Nicknames: Mike DOB: 25/02/1955 Position: CF Mick Davies has returned to the club this year and despite his advancing years is still a valuable asset at centre forward and is fiercely competitive on the park. During his latter years Davies has developed a battering ram style to his forward play which allied to his famed powerful shooting can unsettle even the most experienced of defenders. Freight and transport magnate Davies enjoys a colourful private life away from football, including being a perennial attendant of Serbia’s EXIT festival, and is a specialist in wines and reggae music. Davies is also sometimes referred to Mike as opposed to Mick on some social media sites. |
Name: Shane Odie
Nicknames: DOB: 03/02/1999 Position: CF/RM Professional dish-washer Shane Odie signed for the club last year and his “never say die attitude” has ensured he has become an immediate fans favourite. Odie was primarily used as a super-sub last year, coming off the bench on 9 occasions and notching 4 goals, but may well find himself more heavily involved in proceedings this campaign. Shane works in the newly established “Da Steakhoose” restaurant and absolutely loves Cadbury Crème Eggs. When he’s not busy revising “how to chase down long balls and lost causes”, Shane can be found busy chasing long balls and lost causes. |
Name: Nick Longjamnong
Nicknames: Nico DOB: 20/05/1996 Position: CF Part one of the world-famous ‘Nick and Nice’ partnership, Nick has been at the club for a number of years and has left many a B team player on his backside in the mud. Hailing from Chaiyaphum in Thailand, the tricky winger now applies his trade in Glasgow where he has been frequently spotted break-dancing on the Kokomo dancefloor. Once he returns home for the summer, Nick will be looking to break into the first team squad and defend his title at Celtic’s annual dance-off competition at Baroc. |
Name: Nice Longjamnong
Nicknames: DOB: 20/05/1996 Position: CF/LM/RM Part two of the world-famous ‘Nick and Nice’ partnership, Nice has also been tying defenders in knots since signing the dotted line for the hoops and has slightly more first team experience than his brother Nick. Nice is also currently studying in the mighty Glesga but has expressed his desire to don the Celtic strip once again this summer as he misses the disgusted cries from the bald-headed stand at the Gilbertson Park. Rumours that his boundless energy is due to the fact he is secretly substituted for his twin-brother Nick at half time have been strongly dismissed by Celtic’s management. |